I’ve been going back and forth about whether or not to post this. It’s tough to talk about something like miscarriage. It’s tough to hear about something like miscarriage. But when I was going through it, I wish someone had posted something like this. So here it goes.
Last April, I had a miscarriage at 7 weeks pregnant. To someone who has never experienced one, it’s easy to write it off as “oh, only 7 weeks. That’s not very far, what’s the big deal?” But if you have experienced a miscarriage, you know that the loss of a baby, at any stage of pregnancy, is devastating. It’s also silent. Miscarriage is not something we talk about openly in our culture. It’s kind of like a secret society and you only find out who the members are after it happens to you.
To make matters worse, it seemed like everyone around me was getting pregnant. Every time I got on Facebook, someone else was announcing their pregnancy. I was happy for them, genuinely. But it stung. Then the comments: “When are you all going to have a baby?” “You’re not getting any younger, you all better get started if you want to have a baby!” “You’re next!” And even though they were innocent, it hurt.
The months went by and I was not getting pregnant. After about 7 months, I told my husband that I was done trying. That clearly God’s plan for us did not include a baby right now and I was going to be content with the life we had. For my own sanity, it was time to move on and make other plans.
One month later I was pregnant.
Isn’t that how it always happens? You would think that I would be elated but really, it was more terrifying than anything. All of the grief and fear came back up and all I could think about was “will I lose this one too?” The most comforting thing that happened in those early weeks was horrible morning (more like all day) sickness. For as bad as I felt, I knew it was a good sign.
More good news came when I had my 10 week ultrasound. Everything was perfect. That helped to ease my anxiety and fear quite a bit, but in the back of my mind was always that memory of waking up one day and, without warning, losing a baby that I already loved and wanted so badly.
As the weeks go by, it is getting easier to relax. I don’t think I’ll ever be as easy-breezy as I was when I was pregnant with Sophie, but I hear that’s normal. Miscarriage changed me–I’m more cautious and guarded than I used to be. It’s taking me much longer to get excited and share the news.
At the same time, it’s made me more sensitive in what I say to other women. And that’s a good thing. Where before, I would have been one of those people who asked when someone was planning to have a baby, now I stop myself. It’s none of my business. I don’t know what that woman has been through or is going through. If she has lost a baby or is having fertility problems, the last thing she needs is one more person bringing it up.
I hope that by posting this, more women will find the courage to talk openly about their experiences. We need to talk about it because we need each other. Just having friends who were willing to share their stories with me made me feel so normal and understood. Maybe by sharing my story, I can help someone else.
Thank you so much for all of your well wishes and congratulations that you posted earlier. It means so much and I look forward to sharing pictures and other news as this pregnancy continues.